How to not have bad safe sex

safe sexI would like to start by saying that sex is awesome. I don’t think there’s any better form of free entertainment. But what’s not so awesome is the escalating numbers of new HIV infections and unwanted pregnancies per year. Bummer, right?

As a person who thinks about sex far more often than she actually has it, I refuse to let statistics be a downer for my libido. They say there is no such thing as “safe sex,” but I think that concept was invented by people who have never had good enough nookie to try to make that shit foolproof. Don’t get me wrong, scientifically speaking, once your jiggly-bits are exposed to someone else’s jiggly-bits you increase your risk of acquiring cooties. However, as a person who is not currently living with cooties, I’d love to share some advice with you that will help make it so that being sexually active doesn’t mean the same thing as walking into the Terror Dome.

Here are 3 tips to have safer sex without sucking the fun out of it. (No pun intended. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.)

1. Avoid unprotected sex. You would think I wouldn’t have to say this, but there are still folks out here who like to play with fire. Until, of course, the day comes when their junk literally feels like it’s on fire. If you’re not married or doing the monogamous thing and you’re still having unprotected sex in 2014–cut that shit out. Withdrawal is not a form of birth control! Why do people even call it “the withdrawal method” at all? Withdrawal ain’t a method, it’s a way for a dude to play Russian Roulette with his cock. And I don’t wanna hear about how much better sex feels without a condom. Of course it does! The only reason sex feels good is so that nature can trick people into reproducing. Why the hell would humans wanna create kids and be parents if the whole process didn’t start with an orgasm? I’m just saying. “If you don’t hit it raw then you won’t know what you’re missing.” Don’t be a dumbass. Hoes are out here with supercalligfragilistichlamydia. Don’t let it happen to you.

safe sex magnum 2. Find a condom you actually like. Bruh… I don’t wanna hear that shit about how much condoms suck. There have been vast technological advancements made since the era when condoms were referred to as Jimmy Hats. Now you can get them thin, extra thin, ribbed, ultra ribbed, glow in the dark, with heating and cooling action, and you can get them in polyurethane if you are allergic to latex! My personal fave is the Magnum Ecstasy. I am pretty sure they are the reason why I am falling in love with my slam-piece right now. For me, condoms are more than a safety precaution, they are also my method of birth control. It’s worth it to try out different brands to see which one is best for you. Let’s not forget… condoms are WAY cheaper than a doctor’s visit.

3. Try having fewer partners. I know what you’re thinking, and before you can even say it, shut up. If you are TRULY about that good sex life, then you know that after two (or three) people truly become comfortable with each other the sex gets better. Also, the fewer partners you have at one time, the less likely you are for your next lover to have to deal with angry baby daddies and bitter baby mommas. In fact, I heard that safe sex helps you reduce your likelihood of ending up on the Maury Povich Show by 85%! Not only does having fewer partners decrease your risk of catching crotch illnesses, it also increases intimacy and familiarity. Which leads to hardcore 90’s style “lovemaking” type sex.

As a hedonistic girl who loves having her way with men, I have a genuine interest in seeing people be happy and healthy. Why? Because if more people start taking safe sex seriously then I’ll have more healthy partners to choose from once my current slam-piece pisses me off and makes me no longer wanna hit that. So please take my advice on ways to have better safe sex. Your crotch will thank you for it.

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Nikki Lynette

by Nikki Lynette

Founder of The DM. In addition to being Creative Director of The DM, Nikki Lynette is a Chicago native who loves all things badass. She is a thriving indie recording artist whose music appears in tv shows, commercials, and film. Find her being offensive on Twitter, Facebook, Soundcloud, Instagram, YouTube, and every other place where interneters be interneting.