Masturbation Nation

My life isn’t perfect. I struggle financially, have good days and bad ones, and lord knows motherhood isn’t always a walk in the park, but at least 80% of the time I am in good spirits. There is usually a smile on my face when I am walking and I am usually consumed with happy thoughts.



Well it’s because I know how to take the edge off in a most economical and drama free way. It’s simple: I masturbate. When the going gets tough, I go ahead and rub one out. Yes, I really did just say that and I have absolutely no qualms about it. Seriously, who can please you better than you? You know what you like and how to get there the fastest. I mean c’mon, it’s when you get to be completely selfish and think about only your needs while releasing stress in a most healthy way.

Now many of you might be saying “ugh…omg.. I don’t do THAT!” My question to you is “Why not?” There are so many benefits to self-pleasing that I don’t understand why more people aren’t as proud of that skill set as they are of their sexual exploits with others. Now don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy a good romping around with my love (hey boo), but let me break down a few reasons why masturbation is one of the best things since sliced bread:

masterbationDrama Free: While we all crave human interaction in some way, shape, or form, touching one’s self can spare you so much heartache, bullshit, and drama in the long run. It prevents you from that desperate feeling of needing to fuck so bad you might make a decision you wish you hadn’t after the fact. You don’t walk around as hot and bothered and can actually focus on shit you really need to do. When you masturbate regularly you are less likely to be inclined to want to sleep around, not to mention you can stick to whatever standards you have set for yourself. I find it funny how some folks would look at me in disgust for being comfortable enough to talk about pleasing myself, yet don’t see issue with the fact they are sleeping with someone’s significant other… *insert Kermit face and please pass the tea* … Not to mention, my vibrator can’t get me pregnant. EVER. I will never fall into that .01% of the population that still get snaked by a condom or those of you who swear by ‘Le Pull Out’ method.

Disease Free: With so many diseases and infections out there you’d think folks would be clamoring about how absolutely wonderful screwing your own brains out can be–but no. Seems like there are only a few of us who have found the pure joy and benefit of self-love. The truth is, if more people did it instead of engaging in reckless sexual behavior, a lot of lives would be spared and people’s health would not be compromised at such alarming rates. Now you do need to clean your sexual arsenal of toys (if you have them). Don’t be a nasty ass and not properly wash your whatever you use out of your ‘tool kit’ before and after each use because that can result in an infection. Most sex toys can be washed with a mild antibacterial soap and some are even dishwasher safe.

Natural High: Upon sexual climax, the body releases a multitude of endorphins that result in feeling good, relaxed, happy, and in a better mood overall. What better high can you get for free?

Time Efficient: Sexual gratification can usually be achieved in 5-15 minutes for the average person engaging in self love. I don’t know about you, but a quickie with one’s self is a great way to start the day off (and rarely does it make you late for work like other morning ‘activities’ sometimes do *wink wink*).

These are just a few of reasons I encourage you all to go out and love yourself a little bit more! Now folks, when you see me don’t be afraid to shake my hand (I do wash them, just like you wash your junk afterwards). To all you pervy dudes out there, NO I am not going to tell you how I do it or explain anything in detail because after all, it is a personal experience that is simply for me, and occasionally, the man I love (hey again, boo). Just know that I’m Pro-Touch and you should be too. It’s not something you have to let every single person you come in contact with know immediately like, “Hey, I just rubbed one out and I feel great!” That is not exactly water cooler conversation at the office. Just simply do it for yourself. Alone, whenever you have a private moment and go! There should no shame in you massaging any part of your body.

Preserve your sanity (and some cases your relationships), maintain your health, minimize the amount of drama in your life, and love thyself!

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Neffer Kerr

by Neffer Kerr

In House Editorial Contributor. "Pretty, Witty, and Downright Gritty!" Neffer is a freelance writer, visual and performance artist, mother, closet chef, and infidel slayer at the Anti-Ignorance League. Known as ‘Boom’ by her many friends and followers, she mastered the art of sarcasm and infuses it into her writing, with just a hint of compassion. She is also known to have a penchant for all things fabulous. Keep up with her on Instagram and Twitter.